We have a problem

Current and future swingers, fellow deviants, assorted perverts, we have a problem. Frankly, it’s embarrassing. You have an internet connection, you know what I’m talking about. If we ever want to be restored before the eyes of respectable society, we are going to need to move beyond web 1.17.

My eyes, my eyes

Here in 2011 there are dozens of easy ways to create a free or low cost website that doesn’t make visitors want to stick forks in their eyes. There are templates, created by designers. There is free advice to be had, reams of it, on the basics of good web design.

Despite this, Melbourne swingers’ party websites are almost uniformly hideous, and about the best that can be said for them is that none uses comic sans. I can’t quite decide which site is the worst, but it’s probably between these two.

EJ’s even tells us that they *know* their website causes suffering:

With a bit of luck and hopefully figuring out how to drive our site navigation, you might even find out something about our swingers parties!

Stilettos probably comes a close third with this mashup of late nineties photography on fuschia and black:

These two also offend me deeply:

Copy

I’m not usually one to make fun of or moan about poor writing, and I’m not expecting anybody to completely master hyphenation or overcome cheesy language and run-on sentences. But I do think that when you’re trying to get people to give you money in exchange for services, it makes sense to run spellcheck.

Looking like you care is particularly important, I think, with swingers parties. Every swingers’ party holds within itself the potential to be either the pinnacle of pleasure or a horrifying trauma, and which of these eventuates depends a lot on the efforts of the organiser. When an organiser has such low standards in writing about and advertising their parties, it’s harder to be confident that you won’t be assaulted, saddled with a new skin condition or forced to eat kabana sausage.

Hence my concern at rampant misplaced or missing apostrophes;

GANG   BANG   SUZIE and her freinds (we will know which one or one’s as the date gets closer) …

5. If its your first time at one of our parties and had booked earlier on in the week we then will phone you back on either the Thursday or Friday before the party to re confirm your attendance,if you cannot be contacted eg phone goes to voice mail a message will be left, you then need to phone us back to confirm attendance.

misspellings;

When you way it all up, it makes good sense to become a member and experiment in a safe sexy well run club.

Memberships get you cheeper party Tickets and you can send messages to other members

and random capitalisation (my favourite!):

All parties, Fun & mutual respect is what we demand.

Regard less of your sexuallity Safe sex practices are always  advisable.

In addition to simple bad writing, some copy suggests outright hostililty:

Compulsory Dress code; underwear or nothing, upon entry.

For those that need this explained this means;- clothes worn under the outer garments and next to the skin, underclothing*.
* If you needed this explained this party is not for you.

My favourite thing on any of the sites are Attunga’s hilariously irrelevant testimonials:

I did have a good time on Thursday night, even though I left maybe a bit earlier.

But I do have a bit too travel home. Next time will be longer.

As I was leaving, you mentioned something about a password to me as I was going out the door.If this is what you was talking about I have not received one from you, if this all makes sense to you.

Look forward to the next one with the guys or even a bi night.

Regards, Jeff

So…

It seems to me that there’s a business opportunity here for someone to run sex parties that are, and that look, like, good. I hope that somebody in Melbourne decides to do that sometime soon.