On the Monday after you’ve fucked four guys at a sex party, how do your answer a co-worker’s polite question about your weekend? I’m in an industry that’s not even remotely sexy, so I’ll tell him I went to a party. If I’m feeling cheeky I might add that I “met a bunch of new people” and “had a really great time”. Being discreet about gang bangs is one thing, but should we hide our sex-positivity, our alternative relationships or our interest in sexuality when we’re at work?
For me, my interest in sex, my being non-monogamous and my sex positivity form a big chunk of my identity. In some way I feel entitled to be open about this, just like my foodie colleague is open about her fascination with food and wine. On top of that, I think perhaps there’s a political and moral obligation to contribute to a more sex positive culture by being open about my interests and lifestyle, even with co-workers.
Generally, my approach in the workplace has been to be honest if asked and somewhat open with ‘work friends’. I don’t go around telling people I’m nonmonogamous, but if it comes up in conversation I do tell colleagues that I am in an open relationship, just like that, without elaborating or explaining, as though it’s normal.
With ‘work friends’, I’m more myself. I joke around with one of my colleagues, a guy my age, about various men in our sector/office block/most frequented cafes that I think are “hot” or on whom I have “crushes”. We’ve chatted about sex education and AFL scandals in amongst all our other discussions of politics and current affairs, and I’ve told him that I have an intellectual interest in sexual issues.
Recently, though, there was an incident that made me wonder whether I’d perhaps been a bit too much myself. The aforementioned work friend noticed that I was leaving a comment on something online, and mentioned it loudly, and somehow drew the entire (very small) office into discussion of what I was reading and commenting on – an article about Filament magazine. Suddenly I was exposed.
What’s the article about?
Um, this magazine, um.
What magazine?
Um. It’s a magazine with pictures of men.
Are they naked?
Ah, yeah, mostly.
So you’ve read this magazine?
Yes, yeah.
One day I’m semi-comfortable with one colleague, and the next I’m admitting to a conservative Christian, my boss and a brand new colleague that I consume porn. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, of course. Normally I don’t care about being judged, but I don’t want to be judged by my co-workers. And I don’t want my interest in sex to damage my career. But I’m not sure that I could maintain a sexless work persona, even if I wanted to.
i very much sympathise! This is a topic near and dear to my heart; cf. this, this and this.
What you wrote in ‘sexual’ is pretty much exactly how I feel (although obv. without the added complications from being transgenderqueer). I mean, a lot of highly sexual people I’ve spoken to about how they handle this say they are fine with being guarded, but I would much prefer to be open about who I am… And because it’s such a big part of my personality (and something I *like* about myself), when I can’t be open about it I am left with a lot less to say and I feel like a much less interesting person…
*sad nod*
Maybe there’s a middle ground for us to find, where we e.g. say something along the lines of: “Sexuality is a central and important topic to me. But I know that many people are uncomfortable discussing it. If you’re comfortable talking about sexuality, then I’d love to do so; otherwise, I’ll respect your boundaries, and we can talk about something else instead.” (Wordy, i know, but i imagine you get the idea!)
Still, it’s certainly nice (and for me, preferable) to not need to make that sort of comment in the first place; and that’s why i’ve been trying to make an active and conscious effort to connect with people for whom open and frank discussions of sexuality are de rigeur.
For me it seems to be all risk and no reward. Work doesn’t pay for the real me, only a limited number of my skills, so why give them more than they want? Sharing and assuming openmindedness from colleagues can often lead to discrimination, disappointment and disapproval, which is not what you need.
Except that it would give me the opportunity for self-righteous anger, which can be fun too!
Seriously though, I wish I felt the way you do. But I really feel this terrible compulsion to be myself, and I resent having to hide things that shouldn’t matter.